Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Evil Pharm-ASS-ist

My children are white. Very white. Just like me. Go figure. In the summertime I am attracted to large displays that claim to protect your lily white skin from one of the 7 horsemen of the apocalypse--the depletion of sun-blocking ozone. I know, I know, the whole ozone thing is just, like, so nineties! It's all about global warming and sustainable living these days--but hey--there's no big "all clear, everybody run naked and worship Ra, the sun god" announcement in the media, is there?
So there I am, just hanging out in the aisle putting inordinate mental power into my purchasing decision regarding sunscreen(did I mention that this trip was a luxurious, sans children jaunt?) and this crazed electronic bellow (it sounds like one of those voice scramblers that ex-mafia drug kingpin informants are masked with on shows like "Prime-time live" or "Maury Povich") from this technologically adept pervert--breathing down my neck, tinnily demands "Can I help you find something?" Yeah, a gun and not your misplaced luuuuuuuv, you stupid mothertrucker! I turn to kick this man-- who is an obvious prison escapee, in the groin---I got some roundhouse-esque moves I'm antsy to try from a recent viewing of "Kung-Fu Panda." My head whips round to fix a hard stare at my would-be assailant. He is clearly on something and that something is an LCD screen smartly sequestered behind unbreakable glass. It leers. And it stalks. And I shudder with the exceedingly unpleasant memory of the whole event.

So, you sure are looking good today, honey! Why don't you parade a little for Whoozyermama. OK--sashay to the left. Can we go back to your domain? I'm really sick of that Long's fellow. He's a little creepy. But You. Are. Magnificent. Oh yeah, baby, you have promise,! I'm getting weak in the knees just thinking about you, you're so malleable and passive and non-verbal.

So go ahead, Dear Brick and Mortar Drugstore Shopper. Get in your car and waste some gas. But you've been forewarned; a drugstore near you probably employs the Evil PharmAssist. As if friendly in-the-flesh salespeople weren't annoying enough...

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