Thursday, April 15, 2010

My Wish Came True. Now WTF do I do?

From easter

The first order of business in Whoozyerhousehold is for Whoozyermama to raise her hand to be counted in the 2010 US Census Bureau. Uh... if I could just find the questionairre under the mounds of neglected papers in Whoozyeroffice. I know it's here somewhere--lodged between the turkey baster (it's not what you are thinking AT ALL), labels, light bulbs and a Kaiser Permanente Health "Are you happy with your physician?" survey. Having not yet reviewed the documentation I'm unsure as to whether I am considered a homemaker or unemployed. Both will do. For now.

Let me just say, I have no clue what I am doing. Also---the picture below is the most intimate moment I have experienced with Whoozyerdaddy in weeks. Don't worry, it is G-rated.
From easter egg hunt

It seems that once I left Whoozyerformeremployer--Whoozyerdaddy made a mad dash to his office door to complete THE PROJECT THAT STOLE MY HUSBAND. I think he is here but he is a shell of his former self and I fear that the Zombies ATE HIM. Are we insured against a zombie attack now that he is the SOLE BREADWINNER? Must contact Whoozyercompanythatstolewhoozyerhusband benefits department. Pronto.

From easter egg hunt

Whoozyerkid#2 has also noticed her father's absence of late. "Hey, Whoozyergrandpa," queried Whoozyer2ndkid. "Did this HORSE eat my Daddy?"
"No Whoozyerkid" he laughed in answer. "Silly child! It was a flock of ZOMBIES."

From easter egg hunt

Stay tuned for the next installment of "Mama is Losing it". Do the zombies eat my family? Or do I? Subscribe to my blog to find out. Also to get your free Ovaltine decoder ring. Can you tell? Can you? Just how tired I am?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Green Smoothie Redemption

Whoozyerbaby has a thing for Spinach Smoothies. I am hoping that this penchant for pureed fruits and veggies cancels out the occasional jaunt under the golden arches and not the other way around.

Whoozyerkid won't go anywhere near a green smoothie but Whoozyerbaby insists on her OWN cup and uses it--apparently--as a prop and (efficiently) as costuming in her choreographed dance through our 50's retro kitchen.

Meet Whoozyerkid's lovely assistant, Whoozyerdog, who tolerates his forced participation in the act:

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Blech Pooey. Literally.

Why did I do it? Why? Two little bags---with crafts and activities, filled with fries and chock full of chicken (?) nuggets. I was pressed for time and HUNGRY and all I could think about was a quick meal. I was good. I ate half of my shit burger and saved the other half for WhoozyerDaddy. I then proceeded to wolf down half of Whoozyerbaby's chicken McFillerNuggets. I was on a roll. Or the rolls were on me. Still.

Today I gave Whoozyerkid "lunch money". Against my better judgement. Conceptually I know that the school lunch is crap. Most of the time I am a walking nutrition lecture. Today I am a hypocrite. But tomorrow is a new day and dinner is a new meal. Mama is gonna hide some spinach somehow and get Whoozyerkid to eat it. More on that later...

Thursday, August 27, 2009


I never thought I would write this but probably my favorite place to hang out on Planet Earth right now (besides in my bed under the covers--I NEED TO thank my mother in law AGAIN for the 1000 thread count cotton sheets and for spoiling me for almost any other bed) is--dare I say it? The GYM The gym is not a smelly bastion of sweat, foot fungus,clinking weights and roving eyes. It is a lovely parental Disneyland where you can drop your kids off for three hours a day and do whatever your little heart desires. I have managed at least 8 adult conversations at the gym this week alone. I've checked email and had my brows waxed.
The gym sports showers with never-ending hot water, free toiletries and clean towels. And yes, believe it or not, I work out. Almost every visit.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

How I'm Losing it

My new way of eating is as follows:
1) Whole, non-processed foods to include avoidance of refined sugars, flours, etc.
2) Daily intake of fish oil and a multi-vitamin.
3) Caffeine reduction.
4) Limited alcohol consumption.
5) Increased water intake.

With limited time we've started using a few appliances regularly and frankly, I think I would be eating rocks or licking the walls without my Blendtec Total blender which can pulverize an iPod, make soup, ice cream, almond butter and whole fruit smoothies. We also rely heavily on our Sanyo Fuzzy Logic rice cooker/steamer and the George Foreman Grill with removable plates. With all three products clean up and food prep are a snap. I have also removed WhoozyerDaddy from kitchen duty because you can't cook (and dodge food poisoning) in a cesspool of filth.

This may look disgusting but it's actually quite good (and filling). 1 banana, 5 strawberries, 1 clementine, 1 apple, 1 plum, 4 T vanilla whey protein powder, 1 tsp. filtered fish oil, vanilla, 1.5 cups fresh spinach leaves, 1/3 cup frozen blueberries. It all went into the blendtec and down my gullet. Yum!

Lunch was: 1 chicken boob (George Foremanned), 1 yellow squash peeled with a potato peeler into paparadelle, 1 matchsticked carrot, 1 lipstick red pepper, raw almonds, green onions, romaine lettuce and cilantro dressed with rice wine vinegar, homemade peanut butter,sesame oil, ginger and local honey. Awesome. Who needs Paul Newman salad dressing and asian lettuce mix?

Whoozyermama's Weighty Issues

Folks; I have been gone a long time. I've been making some major lifestyle adjustments and they've deserved all the attention I can muster. But here I am, back and improved to my blog. I have a lot more to say---and it's not all about Whoozyerkids anymore. You see, I'd been avoiding the camera like the plague. You'll have observed lots of photos of Whoozyerdaddy and Whoozyerkids but at some point I decided that I didn't matter, that no one was looking at me, that, if I dressed my kids in stunning matching Hanna Anderson dresses all eyes would be diverted from yours truly. But that's not how life works.
You see, there's this social networking site called "Facebook". I'm sure you've heard of it. Once you're on there anyone who is your "friend" (And what friend would do this to me, I mean, really? Snort.)can post a picture of you and "tag" it. That means anyone who is your "friend" can see a picture of you that someone ELSE posted. Sure, you can remove the tag but in this day and age you just can't do it fast enough. At least fifty of your "closest" friends (and ex-boyfriends)are gonna see you at that birthday party with a mouth full of guacamole thinking you're invisible in your Lane Bryant ("Women's" aka Fatty McFat)jeans. You see, there's nowhere to hide when you are 5'5 and over 190 lbs. There, I said it. I was 194 lbs. on a good day and a crappy photo (my pride won't let me post it---I still have some pride left)made it's way to Facebook and I decided to look, I mean really LOOK at it. It was time to open my eyes and move my ass.
Since April I have lost over 20 lbs. and have gone down 3 dress sizes. I've adjusted to the changes and I've realized that this tome can be a tool and hopefully an inspiration too. So---this blog isn't just about my family anymore. It's about me and how I'm changing our lives; removing the sugar, pureeing the broccoli and shaking it up in Zumba. Girls, pay attention. Whoozyermama is setting an example so you can grow up without Weighty Issues. Mama loves you, but most important, she loves herself too. At least, enough to drink a green smoothie.

Obligatory Whoozyerbrood photo:

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Girl that Goes "Bump" in the Night

"Mama, really, I AM FINE. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME" Whoozyerkid (pictured above trying to look pitiful) exclaimed as I attempted to spoon her on the gurney in the ER hallway.

And really, she was fine, with just a little forehead bump threatening to get downright goose-eggy. It's just that earlier that night she thudded out of bed resulting in a red bump and an "only Mommy can soothe me" cry and that whole Natasha Richardson thing just put me on high alert. She was beautiful, in the prime of her life and said she was "fine", even laughing her fall off. She refused medical attention for at least an hour and then... well, we all know the story.

So--two weeks ago it would have been an ice pack and a kiss and back to bed with her. But Friday night it was a paranoid trip to the E.R. "We're definitely seeing an increase" in hand-wringing moms bringing their head-injured kids to the Walnut Creek Kaiser ER the admitting nurse told me.

Would this episode qualify me as a Munchausen by Proxy case?

No. Thank God I came to my senses. Two hours after the incident at 1:15 AM my child was fine and I was quickly working through my basement stash of bribery toys sans birthday presents. With the threat of a restocking expedition looming it was time to bail. Compliment Whoozyerkid on her new Barbie purse next time you see her.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

This should cure my Gymboree addiction...

I give up. It's not worth it. I figure letting Whoozyerkid wear whatever the heck she wants is the perfect pre-emptive defense againt facial piercings, tattoos and purple mohawks.

Good thing Mr. Blackwell is no longer with us...

Monday, December 29, 2008

One thing I hate about New Year's...

Lists. There are too many lists out there and not enough REAL NEWS!!!

Also---making the front page of Yahoo News and at the top of some pink car-lover's list (did I mention I LOATHE top-ten lists?) was this Hubba Bubba Bugglegum-colored Bentley. Not that this has anything to do with New Year's but did Mary Kay cock her head just so as she emerged from her Pink Cadilac? Or is Paris Hilton just a complete freak of (un)nature?

I am hungry for REAL NEWS, people. And I bet more people read about Paris today than Hamas, rocket bombs, and the calling up of members of the Israeli National Guard to form a swelling of groundtroops on the Gaza strip. I pray for the safety of my high school friend, John Morgenstern in Israel for 2009 and beyond. John, who donned his yamaka and prayer shawl and hit the local Food for Less so we could get buzzed off of Manishevitz in my Dad's skiboat parked in our dusty driveway. John who tried a couple of times to get to even first base with no luck. My daily companion from the bus stop home. A good looking boy with unfortunate heft. The years have changed him in so many good ways. I bet he's not into these lists either.

Merry Effing Christmas from the Whoozyers!

What did Whoozyermama get for Christmas? Cuz she's been good, oh-so-good, dontcha know?
Surely not tufts of pure, cold clean snow?

Big crusty eye boogies and trails of yellow snot
fleeing the young nose of her perfect little tot.

A visit to Kaiser and amoxicillin where her sweet little baby was confirmed to be illin'.

And who over yonder makes the ground swell? None other than our own little Jezebel.

Oh yes and just when it couldn't get any better, the illness, it got her and vetted to bed her.

"But why Whoozyermama are you in such a snit?"

T'was the flu that got me and not that Brad Pitt.