Saturday, May 24, 2008

Another baby item for the out-of-touch parent...

This is a baby timer for your little egg; If, for some reason, you can't figure out what your baby's cries and/or body language are telling you, you can't feel or smell a dirty diaper or you don't understand why your newborn is mewling and rooting--(aren't babies just oral?--you ask).

Somebody told you that you needed to CHART your baby's daily activities so that when you do start getting sleep you have a lovely reminder of the period in which you lived on frozen burritos, catnaps and twice-weekly showers. That person--who seemed well-intentioned was just messing with your head, my friend.

If you are--by any chance considering purchasing the Itzbeen baby care timer let me just tell you this. Newborns have just a few basic needs:

  1. Sustanence.
  2. The diaper change and cleaning of girl parts/boy parts.
  3. To sleep.
  4. Close physical proximity to parent/caregiver.
  5. Time to master the basics like rolling over, laughing and batting at objects.
  6. To Bathe when dirty.

Heres how to tell when baby needs above items

  1. To eat---baby starts sucking on everything in sight.
  2. Change diaper---baby feels wet or smells bad. Diaper feels full.
  3. To sleep---baby yawns, tugs on ear or seems fussy/overstimulated.
  4. Close proximity to parent/caregiver---baby cries when put down.
  5. Time to master the basics---baby cries when you pick him/her up. Is happy when put down.
  6. To bathe when dirty. Check folds of skin for dirt. Wash baby if dirt is evident.

Supposedly this contraption also tells you what breast was last feasted upon if you so choose to breastfeed. Here's a tip; Use the hardest breast after you feel yourself up.

Really folks---babies are easy. Wait 'til your kid starts talking smack and sassing you. No timer is going to shut Junior up.

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