Girl that Goes "Bump" in the Night

"Mama, really, I AM FINE. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME" Whoozyerkid (pictured above trying to look pitiful) exclaimed as I attempted to spoon her on the gurney in the ER hallway.

And really, she was fine, with just a little forehead bump threatening to get downright goose-eggy. It's just that earlier that night she thudded out of bed resulting in a red bump and an "only Mommy can soothe me" cry and that whole Natasha Richardson thing just put me on high alert. She was beautiful, in the prime of her life and said she was "fine", even laughing her fall off. She refused medical attention for at least an hour and then... well, we all know the story.

So--two weeks ago it would have been an ice pack and a kiss and back to bed with her. But Friday night it was a paranoid trip to the E.R. "We're definitely seeing an increase" in hand-wringing moms bringing their head-injured kids to the Walnut Creek Kaiser ER the admitting nurse told me.

Would this episode qualify me as a Munchausen by Proxy case?

No. Thank God I came to my senses. Two hours after the incident at 1:15 AM my child was fine and I was quickly working through my basement stash of bribery toys sans birthday presents. With the threat of a restocking expedition looming it was time to bail. Compliment Whoozyerkid on her new Barbie purse next time you see her.

This should cure my Gymboree addiction...

I give up. It's not worth it. I figure letting Whoozyerkid wear whatever the heck she wants is the perfect pre-emptive defense againt facial piercings, tattoos and purple mohawks.

Good thing Mr. Blackwell is no longer with us...

One thing I hate about New Year's...

Lists. There are too many lists out there and not enough REAL NEWS!!!

Also---making the front page of Yahoo News and at the top of some pink car-lover's list (did I mention I LOATHE top-ten lists?) was this Hubba Bubba Bugglegum-colored Bentley. Not that this has anything to do with New Year's but did Mary Kay cock her head just so as she emerged from her Pink Cadilac? Or is Paris Hilton just a complete freak of (un)nature?

I am hungry for REAL NEWS, people. And I bet more people read about Paris today than Hamas, rocket bombs, and the calling up of members of the Israeli National Guard to form a swelling of groundtroops on the Gaza strip. I pray for the safety of my high school friend, John Morgenstern in Israel for 2009 and beyond. John, who donned his yamaka and prayer shawl and hit the local Food for Less so we could get buzzed off of Manishevitz in my Dad's skiboat parked in our dusty driveway. John who tried a couple of times to get to even first base with no luck. My daily companion from the bus stop home. A good looking boy with unfortunate heft. The years have changed him in so many good ways. I bet he's not into these lists either.

Merry Effing Christmas from the Whoozyers!

What did Whoozyermama get for Christmas? Cuz she's been good, oh-so-good, dontcha know?
Surely not tufts of pure, cold clean snow?

Big crusty eye boogies and trails of yellow snot
fleeing the young nose of her perfect little tot.

A visit to Kaiser and amoxicillin where her sweet little baby was confirmed to be illin'.



And who over yonder makes the ground swell? None other than our own little Jezebel.

Oh yes and just when it couldn't get any better, the illness, it got her and vetted to bed her.

"But why Whoozyermama are you in such a snit?"

T'was the flu that got me and not that Brad Pitt.

Santa's ways...

"Whoozyerkid...?" I ask.

"Yes, mama?" she answers after a long exhortation of what she wants for Christmas.

"You don't need to bother with telling me what you want for Christmas because the shopping is DONE."

"What about Santa?" she quips.

"Crrrraa---imey." I answer. "He is done too. And if he is not, he can go through our house and find things that you might like and GIVE them to YOU in your stocking.

"Like chocolate soap?"

"That's right. Exactly like chocolate soap. Santa knows what you want in our house and he knows he has Mommy and Daddy's permission to give it to you so he may put something like chocolate soap in your stocking."

"That's great, Mom."

"Isn't it though?"

Sorry, sorry sorry

In case you were beginning to wonder if I had abandoned this blog and ultimately--you--you were wrong. I love you. How could I? You are in the back of my mind like the whisper that night breezes whooshingly caress. I have been busy making soap--and lots of it and I am NOT posting photos lest some of you get a sneak peak and get all in a lather about Christmas. I have also been wiping noses and doling doses of bubblegum medicine to a certain 4-year-old-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless.

Ace Hardware sells lye. I had to say it. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with the paragraph above (directly) but I am so incredibly happy about it. Because most hardware stores have pulled it off the shelf as those tweakers and meth makers have ruined it FOR EVERYONE (Sudafed, anyone?). And on Pacheco Avenue--in the ghetto of Tweakertown, no less. No more certifiedlye.com and $30 hazmat shipping fees--WTF? But buy all your lye before spring or be prepared to duke it out with olive tree owners said the store manager. I guess they're more dangerous than the tweakers...

She's good company...

My kid is a total crackup; in the line at Kohl's imagine being a total stranger and hearing from the mouth of a 4-year-old babe, no less-- "I work for Charles Schwab". The same surprisingly well-employed tot pumps her arms self-importantly while proudly bearing a musical Christmas tie she handpicked for Whoozyerdaddy's birthday. Time to start wearing musical ties with Christmas balls on them, Whoozyerdaddy. Happy, Happy Birthday, my Old Man!

And today we went to see the Nutcracker--she was relieved when the ballerinas dressed like Confucious dancing in the Orient didn't kill the Nutcracker. So relieved that afterwards we celebrated at Skipolini's with her school friend Andrew, who gave my firstborn a tattoo. Nice, huh?

If only you could smell it...

"Smell what?" you may ask...

My soap, naturally.

From left to right:



Jasmine (made with fragrance oil)
Pina Colada/ lemongrass (made with a fruit-based all natural fragrance oil and essential oil)
Mint Mojito (made at a soaplab at The Nova Studio using Lori Nova's recipe and essential oils)
Sweet Orange and Cranberry Seed (using essential oil)
Cedarwood, Fir and Rosemary (using essential oil)

My house smells like a hippy grocery store. The soap should be ready in time for Christmas. In the coming week I'll be experimenting with hot process soapmaking which should speed up the cure time. Next on the agenda---shaving soap, shampoo bars and at Whoozyerdaddy's request "something that smells like marzipan". I'll also be making some salt scrubs, some belly butter (for my preggo friends), something to ease my MIL's arthritis, some wrinkle balm,whipped body butter and lip balm. If anyone wants me to make some gifts on their behalf please let me know at allsoapedup@gmail.com and we can work on something for you.

Also---I just made a kick-ass bolognese using a hybrid of a Mario Batali recipe and what I had in the pantry. Why do I always make meatsauce the same way? Foodie lesson of the day---don't get caught in a rut--EXPERIMENT! To my preggo friend Shaken Mama--Call me, you'll want some of this:

Holy Crap, People!

All I can say is you better like your Christmas presents. I'm MAKING them this year...

And boy am I tired.

Ethical Shopping versus Financial Survival

I think you guys have known this about me; I have had my proverbial panties in a wad for years now. Corporate America is evil and money-grubbing and has undermined the foundation that We the People have built--small business, the mommas and the poppas of retail, the American Gothic-esque farms. As a result, I have tried to support the little guy. I have tried to put things on or in my body and the bodies of my dear family that are healthy, organic and natural.

But--IT IS KICKING MY ASS!!!! And I am falling for Walmart. Cheap, cheap Walmart. Mason jars and bamboo paper towel holders are there just for the inexpensive taking. Friends, please talk me down. And China---people are losing their jobs in China, too. It's a GLOBAL economy, right? Right? I should care about the jobless in China too. Or perhaps we no longer vote with our wallets.